How to survive an opera

Soprano: unless it’s an opera buffa, you are probably screwed. a few survival methods are:

- do NOT date the tenor 

- marry a rich bass 

- run away with the mezzo 

- try not to get tuberculosis


Tenor: almost as screwed as the soprano

- be a jerk, they somehow tend to survive

- get a soprano to die for you (not entirely foolproof but sometimes works)

- DO NOT piss off the baritone 

- also do not duel the baritone 

- just be gay for the baritone it’s the best idea (careful tho: you might be related)

- find a wise bass to teach you the way of the Jedi


Mezzo/Contralto: pretty good survival rate, but a few things to watch out for.

- DO NOT piss off the tenor

- DO NOT let your whiny brother rape the tenor’s wife

- just. stay away from tenors

- put on breeches. now you are immortal 


Baritone: better survival rates than a tenor or a soprano but oh so many potential deaths…

- DO NOT duel the tenor. Statistically you have a better chance at winning but what if his boyfriend is the Dark Lord Satan?

- do not be the title character in anything that isn’t opera buffa, you WILL be dead

- if you are good-aligned, you dead 

- if a bass tells you the other bass is evil and wants you dead. maybe LISTEN 

- if there is another baritone, and you KNOW he’s a treacherous little shit, jail him immediately instead of letting him roam free around your drink

- do not leave sharp objects where sopranos can see them 

- do NOT provoke the bass. you may win at first, but the motherfucker will be back, now with supernatural powers 


Bass: generally pretty good survival rates, but…

- learn to swim 

- DO NOT provoke the baritone. your low constitution (because you put all points into cunning) vs his maxed strength will not have good results

- be the Devil, you can’t die and you already live in Hell

- maybe do not murder children for the throne. just a suggestion 

- do not try to fight whoever seduced your daughter. it’s not worth it 

- do not think you can get away with being a terrible husband if your father-in-law is a god

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    As an opera singer this is 100000% true
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